Well I have these days where I come across something from my past that absolutely gets my eyes leaking. I came across this gem of a blog post from my old blog about my journey to a healthier me tonight and boy did it get me having flashbacks.
So Reader’s Digest version – because I have so many new friends/contacts through health coaching that likely know very little about how or why I became a coach…
In 2006 I got extremely sick. I was diagnosed with a severe deep vein thrombosis in my leg that was almost a 100% blockage from below my knee to above my groin. I was a healthy, active mom of three, the youngest being just 9 months old and the oldest being 13.
I struggled with chronic pain from extremely high doses of blood thinners that were causing me to bleed out in my small vein systems and joints making movement essentially impossible. Due to chronic pain and an inability to move, I tripled my body weight in a noticeably short time. By 2011 I was almost ready to give up on life in general and then I found a product called ViSalus that helped me lose a lot of weight – fast. I replaced two meals a day with shakes. Three weeks in, Alex and Will were really sick with Tonsillitis and I TOOK THEM TO THE DOCTOR MYSELF. As we were walking from the parking lot to the doctor’s office, I was holding hands with both the littles and Alex looked me straight in the eyes, and squeezed my hand saying, “Mommy I love ViSalus for making you better so that when I am sick and I want my mommy – you can take me to the doctor.” William of course saw the difference too, but he was funny, he said, “Mom can you keep drinking shakes so that when the exhibition comes next year – YOU can take me.” The poor child had NEVER seen me healthy. I got sick when he was still an infant and he never got to do things like go to the park, go swimming or generally have fun with me. My kids’ bedrooms were up two flights of stairs and Alex wondered when I’d be well enough to go upstairs and tuck them in and sing them lullabies at night again. I lost 90 lbs and 90 inches from chest, waist and thighs in just months. By spring of 2012 I was doing things I never thought would be possible – like making my first trip to the US for a ViSalus Conference! I had a newfound passion for getting better. I wrote that blog post I came across tonight, on March 29, 2012, just after Nelson and I got back from Kansas City.
I explain this because I am setting the stage for the mindset I was in when I wrote the post. Just a few months before I wrote it – I went to an endocrinologist to talk about making some real strides on my weight loss journey and he shut me down. He told me I should not try. That at my size I had done permanent damage to my organs and my body and that inevitably I was going to gain back every pound I lost and probably more and that I should just go home and spend time with my small children before I die. Now I have told people before that when he said that it infuriated me and I went home and immediately determined I was not going to take any pharmaceuticals any more. They were keeping me alive but I wasn’t LIVING and I was seriously pissed that he told me that I should stop trying! WTH kind of advice is that?
Well if he had said that to me at a different time – I would have done what he said and gone home and given up. But the reason I was so determined to prove him wrong was because of the little moments I had with Nelson or my Kids where they truly reminded me that I had a purpose. That God has a plan and its okay for me to question it as long as I trust that in the end – he knows what he’s doing LOL And someday the “plan” or “purpose” would be revealed. Nelson and the kids would say and do things that set my heart on fire and really made me want to survive and I’m sure they had no idea they were doing it. Like that day I wrote the blog post.
Alexandra has no idea how much of an impact that day had on me. She was so young then that she wasn’t reading blog posts and it wasn’t something I spoke of in the house. So to this day – I’m sure she may not even remember telling me what I wrote about in the blog post, but it totally changed my mindset. It reminded me of what really mattered and so I share it again today to let all the folks that have been following my journey and all of the folks I’m working with now on their own journey- really see how changing your mind set can change your life.
Just a few months later I married Nelson after being together for 12 years. And just a few months after that I had a severe gallstone attack that forced me to stop drinking the shakes. And by early 2013, I had in fact gained back more than 100 lbs, despite my continued effort to exercise, because the chronic stress on my system continued to shut down my system. I could eat all the salad in the world and work out continuously, but my body was in chronic stress mode so I was not metabolizing a damn thing. My body was storing it up cause it couldn’t tell if I was tired or if I was being chased by a lion. I had more cortisol running through my veins than blood I’m sure and I was a mess. I could have thought back to that moment when he told me I was going to gain it all back and I could have given up. But again – I instead reminded myself of the day I blogged about with my Alex and I threw down the gauntlets and I fought for my life. I researched more in the following months than I ever did in University. I became obsessed with natural healing and living a toxin free life and finding a way to reduce my stress.
It worked. It has been 8 years since the day I wrote that blog post and I have had my ups and downs, but I have lost over 400 lbs, gained muscle and built up my stamina like you wouldn’t believe and I am healthier now than I have been in almost 2 decades and I owe a huge part of it to the words of a 10-year old and the actions of my now husband and those around me – who were strong and loved me at my worst, when I simply wasn’t loving myself.
So please if you are on your own journey and you have days where it seems like the world is really being tough on you, or you feel like you are lost in a sea of sadness and disappointment – remember that the journey is not going to be easy – but it will be worth it. I am 100% committed to helping others on this journey. The irony is that the name of the blog post was My Purpose and in the post I questioned why this was all happening to me and I spoke about knowing there has to be a reason and some day I would figure it out. Well in 2018 – I figured it out. I am certain the reason that I have had to experience all the pain, the heart attacks, the mini strokes, the dvts the lung embolisms – all of it – was so that I could come out on top in the end and help others learn from my experience. That is why I decided to become a coach and why I have not stopped learning how I can help. I am on my way back to classes to start a new certification program on Nutrition, Food Science and Meal Planning in a week and I am so excited to add this certification to my Health Coach Practice because I know I will be able to help more people lose weight and build healthy habits to help them start really LIVING again. Every single time some one says that I helped them lose a pound or reduce their glucose levels or get rid of inflammation and gout or whatever – I am so overjoyed inside and I can’t stop smiling. It proves to me it has all been worth it. And I am so damn grateful I never gave up. So again I say – if you need it – just ask – I will help. After all – you are My Purpose.
Take a read – the original blog post excerpt is here:
“All of my birthday wishes are coming true.” – Alexandra Herrmann-Dahnke, Age 10
Today, if he were alive, my father would have turned 75. I remember asking dad, when I was a little girl if he was mad that God let him be sick. He told me pretty firmly that every thing happens for a reason. While my dad used to make us all laugh pretty hard pretty much every day – he was also quite capable of a really meaningful heart to heart if you asked him to listen and talk with you. Years later, I remember I was pretty down in the dumps. I was a mom by this time, and I remember we were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee (go figure…) and I said that while there were lots of things that he was unable to do over the years, I wanted him to know that he was ALWAYS there for us when it counted. I know he never made a promise he didn’t keep to anyone. He taught me so much about life. And years later when I got sick, whenever I would really start to feel sorry for myself, I would think of him and how no matter how sick he got, he was so full of life and his will to live for his family was enough to get him through 25 years of heart disease. He popped nitro like some of us pop Tylenol. He had 5 or 6 open heart surgeries and he just kept smiling.
I would think about feeling sorry for myself and then I’d try hard to not let it affect the kids or Nelson. But who was I kidding…it was affecting all of them. I got to a point last year where I thought dad would be disappointed in me because I decided clearly I was not as strong as him because I had only been at this for five years and I was ready to give up. Ready to quit.
I had so many moments over the last few years where I thought – why? why me? What the hell is the purpose of all of this pain? I kept telling myself that some day I would understand why. Well – I don’t understand why quite yet, but I am more sure than ever before – there is a reason. I can’t tell you what it feels like every time my kids say something that lets me know how proud they are of me on this journey or when they innocently say something about how happy they are NOW… and it shows me how sad they were before when I was sicker. I’m not a hundred percent yet, but I am so determined I soon will be, and they are my why… Nelson, my family and my kids…they keep me going.
Today Alexandra got those big crocodile tears a going and with a smile on her face she tells me that all her birthday wishes are coming true. I said to her in a puzzled manner…”what do you mean?” and she swiftly replied…”for as long as I’ve been old enough to understand how to make a wish when I blow out my candles – I’ve wished that you would get better – and now all of my wishes are coming true.”
I have had so many moments over the last few years where I felt like I was failing. Failing at life and failing my kids. But today, it occurred to me that I must have been doing something right. I have three children who are all pretty amazing about acceptance and about loving people genuinely with all their heart. Children who don’t judge others – who don’t care if you are black or white, tall or short, fat or skinny etc… children who are amazing and they truly inspire me.
Every day lately Nelson says something to reassure me of how much he loves me. I think I must be one of the luckiest people on earth. I find myself not caring as much about the little things that used to drive me nuts. I find myself just wanting to spend every minute of free time – doing all the things I was missing out on. Crazy little things that mean nothing to some people but everything to me.
Wouldn’t it be nice if all our wishes could come true?
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